*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
You Might Also Like
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?