@dumbbeezie

(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay

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@dorsalstream

[packing for work trip]

“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”

@BellPupper

ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?

@karanbirtinna

Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.

@beingtheo

I believe the Pope did what all Catholics are told to do. Pull out early.

@StellaRtwot

It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.

Lol

@ScottLinnen

You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.

“Please, no. I can try harder.”

You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.

@realfunghi

[Medieval Europe]

Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.

Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!