*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
You Might Also Like
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Catercrombie & Fish