Has science gone too far?
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HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
🤔😂😂
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
True freaking story!
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.