Has science gone too far?
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[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*