“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
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I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Sharon I have some bad news
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.