Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
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well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Breaking news:
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.