Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
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*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip