I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
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“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes