Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
You Might Also Like
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Donkey Kong sommelier
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.