@bransonreese

Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.

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@forcemajeure40

Apparently when I’m at Olive Garden I’m family.

So why did they call the cops when I left without paying? My family never makes me pay.

@squirl_haggard

me: *filling up my car with gas*

guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank

me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car

@ObscureGent

ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.

@jergarl

Pay attention to your kids… Because one day he will stuff a sugar free gummy bear in your mouth that he rubbed on a cat.

@heatherlou_

Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.

@IamEveryDayPpl

“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…

I know that now.

@JermHimselfish

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.