@bransonreese

Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.

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@ThisOneSayz

I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…

@ChrissieM10

Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.

@Tmoney68

Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?

Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.

@Ghetto_Trophy

I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.

@david8hughes

Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”

@Mr_Kapowski

*sees Deer Crossing sign*

*further down the road sees deer nailed to crucifix*

“Oh wow, they weren’t lying”

@tastefactory

A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”

@JKNenagh

My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night

@EndhooS

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

@BoogTweets

Me: how much for the seal Dracula

Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus