Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
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I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Yes
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???