Hate it when a mum automatically assumes their baby is hungry when they cry. Maybe they’re crying for a stable economy. YOU DON’T KNOW!

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Boss: You’re late! You shoulda been here two hours ago!
Me: Why? What happened two hours ago?


Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.


It’s 6 am and I’ve already referred to a patient as “the one with the tig ol biddies”…wonder what time HR gets here


I need to stop seeing caution tape as some kind of finish line.


I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white


Judging people on Twitter is equivalent to an alcoholic showing up to an AA meeting and making fun of all the other drunks.


Just had to Google synonyms for the word creative.

The irony is not lost on me.


parent: why did you do this to my child
willy wonka: well you see they tried to eat some chocolate on a tour of a chocolate factory they won


Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice


All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.