Hate it when a mum automatically assumes their baby is hungry when they cry. Maybe they’re crying for a stable economy. YOU DON’T KNOW!

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Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.


Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey


Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw


On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.


Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.


Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.


Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world

Ash: i’m a kid

Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you

Ash: that sounds dangerous

Oak: keep it caged in a ball

Ash: kinda harsh

Oak: catch’em all

Ash: you okay bro

Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS


All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside