@BruceForce

Hate it when a mum automatically assumes their baby is hungry when they cry. Maybe they’re crying for a stable economy. YOU DON’T KNOW!

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@AristotlesNZ

Boss: You’re late! You shoulda been here two hours ago!
Me: Why? What happened two hours ago?

@QwertyJones3

Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.

@Pirate_nurse

It’s 6 am and I’ve already referred to a patient as “the one with the tig ol biddies”…wonder what time HR gets here

@KayRants

I need to stop seeing caution tape as some kind of finish line.

@pittdave13

I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white

@MableGertrude

Judging people on Twitter is equivalent to an alcoholic showing up to an AA meeting and making fun of all the other drunks.

@paperphotoyo

Just had to Google synonyms for the word creative.

The irony is not lost on me.

@ruinedpicnic

parent: why did you do this to my child
willy wonka: well you see they tried to eat some chocolate on a tour of a chocolate factory they won

@Spaziotwat

Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice

@JennSlowpez

All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.