Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Hate it when a mum automatically assumes their baby is hungry when they cry. Maybe they’re crying for a stable economy. YOU DON’T KNOW!
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Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Her: I love your scent, what is it?