I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
You Might Also Like
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
*mops up wine with cat*
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband: