Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
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[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
[shakes fist at other fist]
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.