Hate it when couples fight & change their relationship status to “single”. I fight with my parents, and don’t change my status to “orphan”.

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Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…

Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?


If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him


EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?


Since Canada isn’t making the penny anymore-did the price of a thought just go up to a nickel?


*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”


Im sorry, but you only have two weeks to live

*slides the doctor a five dollar bill*

Ooooh make that 3 weeks buddy

*winks at loved ones*


Anyone realize Dora is always lost every episode? Why is their no Amber alert for her? Is it because she’s Mexican?


The cable guy said he’d be here sometime between 1:00 and April, 2016.


Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.