Hate it when couples fight & change their relationship status to “single”. I fight with my parents, and don’t change my status to “orphan”.

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My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.


When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.


Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.


My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex. So I dumped her.


my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie


My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.


I stopped trying to be a thug when I found out there was something called a caramel Frappuccino.


Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.


*Hands the bouncer my ID with a note on it begging him not to let me in because I want to go home but I’m too scared to tell my friends*