Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
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The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Sunday
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Woke up against my better judgement again
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
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5.