Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
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Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.