Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
You Might Also Like
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*