Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
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A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Meeeee too!
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.