@TrueTorontoGirl

Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.

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@ItsAndyRyan

Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days

@GeorgiaBarns

All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss

@LuvPug

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.

@Darlainky

I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.

@shesananteater

One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”

@impaulmccoy

[at a boat store]

Salesperson: Can i help you?

Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.

@TheresaDejaVue

I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿

@Darlainky

*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*

Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…

Me: *starts digging again*

@primawesome

Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.