Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
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Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu