Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
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All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*
Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.