Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
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Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
what?