Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”

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ME: I’ll have the steak

WAITER: with pleasure

ME: um no, with steak sauce


My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.


Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder


Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.


Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.


Damn you, Autocorrect !

Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?

You are the banner of my existence.


I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.


My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat


I take spiders outside in stead of killing them because it’s not their fault that I’m scared of them.

I do however, scream while doing so.


If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.