ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
You Might Also Like
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?
You are the banner of my existence.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
I take spiders outside in stead of killing them because it’s not their fault that I’m scared of them.
I do however, scream while doing so.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.