Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”

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The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.


Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!

M: oh nonsense!

W: ok, did you get the cat food?



How do you know your man is cheating?

When he drives by her place the wifi connects


God: you’re a mummy.

Mummy: omg I’m pregnant?!?

God: no you’re the walking dead wrapped in toilet paper.

Mummy: what does that mean?

God: mostly you walk around scaring people and cursing things.

Mummy: [nods] cause of the pregnancy hormones.


when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap


I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.


Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.


[at specialist office]

Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?

Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?

SD: no

M: you sure?

SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no