@nayele18maybe

Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”

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@ObscureGent

The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.

@TheSchnizzy

Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!

M: oh nonsense!

W: ok, did you get the cat food?

M: WE HAVE A CAT??

@lovemyboots111

How do you know your man is cheating?

When he drives by her place the wifi connects

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a mummy.

Mummy: omg I’m pregnant?!?

God: no you’re the walking dead wrapped in toilet paper.

Mummy: what does that mean?

God: mostly you walk around scaring people and cursing things.

Mummy: [nods] cause of the pregnancy hormones.

@flashember

when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap

@scot4bz

I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.

@Havish_AF

Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.

@TheAlexP

[at specialist office]

Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?

Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?

SD: no

M: you sure?

SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no