Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.

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*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!


If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions


ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?


A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.


*puts on shirt*

*shirt rips because of my muscles*

*gets yelled at for ruining 5yo’s shirt*


A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.


*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE


[dinner table]
gfs dad: so what do you do for a living

me: human trafficking

*he chokes*

gf: he’s a crossing guard dad


OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail


I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones