Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
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Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
I’d hang this in my house.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in