Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
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*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Important
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Chemical wingman
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.