@bransonreese

Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.

Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.

- @bransonreese

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@tigermcleash

Daddy?

Yeah, Bud

Can you scour the house looking EVERYWHERE for something I’m poorly describing that you’ve never seen or heard of before?

@MaritalFauxPas

If a cannibal kills me he better have the right kind of Zip-loc bags! If I get tossed out because of freezer burn I’m going to be pissed!

@SincerelyMen

Voldemort’s parents took the “I got your nose” game a little to seriously.

@stevevsninjas

Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat

@LMHPhotog

Jesus wakes up one day to find only 11 Disciples with him.

“Who unfollowed me?”

@daemonic3

throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both

@humanaaron

me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into

prison guard: no talking after lights out

@daplusk

Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.

@pleatedjeans

Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT