Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
You Might Also Like
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.