Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
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For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?