Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
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My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.