hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
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Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.