@TheHyyyype

hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence

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@david8hughes

Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: do you work well under pressure?

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: well?

Me: Jesus Christ man, I’m thinking

@CAshmanActor

[first day as a microbiologist]

me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this

boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT

@CornOnTheGoblin

[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard

@canadasandra

in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone

@gabbybendel

i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind

@sip_at_home_mom

Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.

@duplicitron

Probably the rudest thing you can do to a stingray is catch it with a fishing pole and then fly it like a kite.

@longwall26

If someone you know is stressed out, be sure to tell them they need to relax. You’d be surprised how many people hadn’t thought of that.