Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
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[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
bought wrong eggs
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again