When you’re completely done with everybody’s shit.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
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Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Interviewer: do you work well under pressure?
Me: Jesus Christ man, I’m thinking
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Probably the rudest thing you can do to a stingray is catch it with a fishing pole and then fly it like a kite.
If someone you know is stressed out, be sure to tell them they need to relax. You’d be surprised how many people hadn’t thought of that.