hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
You Might Also Like
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.