Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
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[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
This probably isn’t good
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.