Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
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My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.