My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
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Her: Ask me anything..
Me: Do you know how to properly layer nachos?
Her: Are you seri..
Me: *flips table*
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
man-ant: picnic’s over boys
ant thugs: oh no its man-ant, run!
man-ant: *shambles towards them on hind legs wearing human costume*
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl