Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
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When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
I don’t know what to do
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.