How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
You Might Also Like
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl