@JhonRules

Hate when I forget to grab a towel before I shower and have to dry off by doing karate in the mirror for 3 hours

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@girl_a_whirl

Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences

*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*

@PleaseBeGneiss

[hospital]

Me: how is he?

Her: he’s in the burn ward

Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks

@Gooooats

I CREATED THE UNIVERSE!
-The Supreme Being

I ADDED SOUR CREAM!
-The Taco Supreme Being

@GrantTanaka

Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok

@causticbob

There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus

@tweetsvisual

I built a Snowman on my stomach and now I have an abdominal Snowman.

@SteveSuckington

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

@BellesJar

Friends with an ex?

I don’t even want to be friends with my friends.

@alispagnola

Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.