Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Hate when I forget to grab a towel before I shower and have to dry off by doing karate in the mirror for 3 hours
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Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
I CREATED THE UNIVERSE!
-The Supreme Being
I ADDED SOUR CREAM!
-The Taco Supreme Being
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
I built a Snowman on my stomach and now I have an abdominal Snowman.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Friends with an ex?
I don’t even want to be friends with my friends.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.