If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
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“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.