Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
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Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!