Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
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Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Mornin. * use accordingly
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin