I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
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In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again