so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
You Might Also Like
The Book. The Movie.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”