Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call

Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha

When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.

My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.

this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road

This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement

Give me a minute, I can make this about me.

[Running out of gas in the desert]

Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.

Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.

Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”

iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same

Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.

I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.

Timber, dipshit.

My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.

scientist: what do u know about atoms

me: very little

Aw man, but that’s the best part

I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.

Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store

When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?

How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO

Hacker: Give us your password or else

30 minutes later…

Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points

Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*

Satan:

Me:

Satan: Give it back…

My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*

“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.

Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on