hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
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Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”