@XnotafunnyladyX

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

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@welfarehoe

STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!

I said STOP RUNNING!

STOP RUNN..

YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!

@realfunghi

When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”

@TheToddWilliams

MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors

@Harbinger_one

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now

@_NinJar

1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*

@9g7d7

If u dating Hillary Clinton you single to me what’s she gonna do kill m

@hipstermermaid

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.

@causticbob

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

@Jimmy_Smacks

When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”