Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

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“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.



BOSS: I’ll kill whoever snitched on us

ME (from a much nicer and furnished cell): I guess we’ll never know.


Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.


Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?


Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts

Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts


You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away


My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.


robert pattinson has absolutely no regard for the things he says on tv and i think thats beautiful


I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision


If only my mum knew how popular I am on Twitter, she’ll stop sending me up and down the streets to get soup ingredients for her. 😂😂😂