Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
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I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
This is my favorite one of these!
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Can’t stop laughing
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time