this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
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If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Kinky = using a feather. Perverted = using the whole chicken.
*catches glass before it falls on my head*
*puts it back in the same spot to test wife’s reflexes*
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out