@XnotafunnyladyX

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

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@Tmoney68

“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.

@P_o_n_k

[Prison]

BOSS: I’ll kill whoever snitched on us

ME (from a much nicer and furnished cell): I guess we’ll never know.

@bigmacher

Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.

@markydoodoo

Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?

@JeffMyspace

Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts

Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts

@DaddyJew

You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away

@BubblesnBooze

My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.

@PRlNCEREMUS

robert pattinson has absolutely no regard for the things he says on tv and i think thats beautiful

@Chloestylo

I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision

@iTARKAA

If only my mum knew how popular I am on Twitter, she’ll stop sending me up and down the streets to get soup ingredients for her. 😂😂😂