@XnotafunnyladyX

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

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@GrantTanaka

this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid

@ninatreemonkey

If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms

@botandy

totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school

@iwearaonesie

*opens cupboard*
*catches glass before it falls on my head*
*puts it back in the same spot to test wife’s reflexes*

@Cheeseboy22

My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”

@mashyboo

be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character

@causticbob

Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.

@Not_From_Troy

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

@KeetPotato

poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out