Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
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Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Bill is short for Billiam
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?