Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
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“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
this is me
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.