ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
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He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
A repeat offense of a shenanigan is called shenaniganagain
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
*sends back food because instagram down*
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
You mean the world to me.
Wife: You’re talking to the tacos aren’t you?
This is correct.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
*toilet papers neighbor’s house*
Neighbor: Weird flex, bro