@TheRolo

Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate

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@KalvinMacleod

ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel

MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*

@felixoshea

He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.

@bjnovak

My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”

@Marlebean

Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.

@murrman5

me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals

@senorlumpy

You mean the world to me.

Wife: You’re talking to the tacos aren’t you?

This is correct.

@tsm560

*toilet papers neighbor’s house*

Neighbor: Weird flex, bro