Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
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I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
How dramatic are you?
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache