*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
You Might Also Like
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.