*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
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Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
We need more people like this.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.