I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
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I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
There is no try. There is only give up.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”