@OrdinaryAlso

haunted house: get. out.

me: (telling spicy gossip) right?

You Might Also Like

@iwearaonesie

toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets

@TheChalupa1

Apparently ‘Cuz the floor is lava!’ isn’t a good enough excuse for me to not fold laundry

@sarahjoyshockey

Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”

@Sickayduh

[Touring Italy]
Guide: Bathroom anyone?
Me: I peed at the Tower of Pizza
Guide: That’s Pisa
Me: Sorry. I took a pisa at the Tower of Pizza

@Laser_Cat

The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.

@WeissBrandon

My wife says that we should keep the chocolate milk in the back of the fridge so it stays colder, but personally I just think she’s racist

@PunkHistory

“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.

@5hael

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward