toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
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Apparently ‘Cuz the floor is lava!’ isn’t a good enough excuse for me to not fold laundry
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Guide: Bathroom anyone?
Me: I peed at the Tower of Pizza
Guide: That’s Pisa
Me: Sorry. I took a pisa at the Tower of Pizza
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
My wife says that we should keep the chocolate milk in the back of the fridge so it stays colder, but personally I just think she’s racist
Are you smarter than a 5th grader?
Regular or Asian?
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward