@kelly__le

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

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@GreenishDuck

Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.

@truegritrumble

FRIEND: Try to relate to her.

(Later on Date)

ME: *nervously* Can I be your cousin?

@LuvPug

So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —

And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out

@MariyaAlexander

Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.

@Skoog

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m at 6%

professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger

@10InchesPlus

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: But what will I eat?

Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*

Me:

Nutritionist:

Me: But what will I eat?