Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
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*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣