@kelly__le

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

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@lilgapeach30

Unless life also hands you sugar and water, your lemonade is gonna suck.

@Snarfernini

Quick! What’s protocol for when he opens my car door for me and just shy of 7,000 Sonic straw wrappers fall out?

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?

Cop: Yes, go back a step.

Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.

Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.

@Lisabug74

My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.

@Thedudish

My boss asked if I had any special skills so I put my hand under my armpit to make fart sounds. We laughed and now I’m clearing out my desk

@capnwatsisname

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

@myles_morrison

I start every argument off with “first of all…” like I’m really going to school them, but my second point is always just name calling.

@amishschool

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”