Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

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Unless life also hands you sugar and water, your lemonade is gonna suck.


Quick! What’s protocol for when he opens my car door for me and just shy of 7,000 Sonic straw wrappers fall out?


Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?

Cop: Yes, go back a step.

Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.

Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.


My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.


My boss asked if I had any special skills so I put my hand under my armpit to make fart sounds. We laughed and now I’m clearing out my desk


Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.


I start every argument off with “first of all…” like I’m really going to school them, but my second point is always just name calling.


Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class: